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SandDevil6

50 post s
28-Jul-2008
9:00 PM 		Hey girls,
I haven't been on much lately. For those who don't know, I had a miscarriage in December, then I had a hysto at the end of May beginning of June (can't remember the date) anyways, I've been back at work since July 7th. I thought I was ok , but since I've been back to work and everyone is talking about thier kids, some girls are pregnant and thats all I hear about... How great it is to be pregnant, to have a baby, to have kids... I try not to let it get to me but it does. Saturday after work, I went home, and I bawled. I couldn't stop crying. Today I found it the same.

I lost my babies in December... It hurts so bad. I thought I would be ok mentally to go back to work but I can't seem to think about work and the more the people at wrk talk about it the more I want to cry.

I have to leave my desk sometimes just because the people around me are talking about it. One older lady sitting beside me asked me today, why I had tears in my eyes, I was holding back crying at work. I'm not the type to cry in public. I didn't know what to say so I told her I yawned and it made my eyes water. I don't think she believed me but she dropped the subject.

Am I being stupid about all this?? Just getting upset for nothing? Or this normal?? I'm so confused, I thought I was ok .. I knew it would be hard to get back into a routine but I didn't think I would have to try not to cry.

How did you guys deal with it??

natalie83

2 post s
28-Jul-2008
9:26 PM 		Hi, i've read your messages before and my heart goes out to you. It is completely normal to be feeling as you do. I too had a miscarriage the end of may, and i still find it difficult, and i still cry. It was my pregnancy, i'm 25. It must be worse for you though as you had a hysterectomy. The feelings you have when you're surrounded by baby-talk i have too. Luckily i don't need to be surrounded by it as none of my close friends have babies. When i walk down the street and see a baby, it hurts, when i see baby clothes or pregnant woman...it hurts. I have a one yr old nephew and i love him so much, and it reminds me of the love i had for my own baby. My sister is pregnant again too, and i am happy for her...but i have to admit when i found out i was overwhelmed with emotions and cried.
People always say 'time heals', but losing a baby is something that will never stop hurting. It has eased slightly for me, but is still very raw.
I think you are amazingly strong, to go back to work and continue with life. So many women/couples on here are, i couldn't imagine how low i would be if god forbid something went wrong again.
Do the people at work know your situation? Maybe you could work from home or take some more time off? But maybe being amongst people is good for you.
And any feelings you have are completely natural, it'd be more un-natural if someone didn't have them. I suspect being around this happy baby talk won't be good for you, it's almost having your nose rubbed in it. Although we can understand why the women are so excited as we once felt that joy.
I know nothing i, or anyone else says to you will ease the pain, but i hope knowing we're kind of going through the same thing, loss of our angels, can maybe make you feel less alone. Keep in touch and try to stay strong. You will be in my prayers tonight. Take care honey x

Last Edited on 28-Jul-2008 9:28 PM

SandDevil6

51 post s
30-Jul-2008
8:34 PM 		Thanks Nat,
I don't know why but its like rubbing salt in a wound. Some people at work know about what happened but because of the type of environment I work in, I don't really talk about my personal life at work. Sure the job isn't that bad but the people that work there are. You know, I don't get it... I've lost family members that I was close to.. Yeah it hurt and I cried but the pain slowly went away. I miscarried, and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinkin about all the "what if"s that are out there. Every time I see a child or baby or a pregnant woman or someone tells me they are pregnant, I just want to cry.
My arms feel empty. The only time I feel ok is when I've got my boyfriend beside me and holding me. I thought I was ok and over it enough to get back to work. I know you can never completely get over something like this but I thought I would be ok to work with people that have kids, are pregnant , ect... I just want to be strong. Sure some days I sit and cry and think that its not fair. I mean hell, I'm only 22, I'll be 23 in October. I can't stop thinking about it. Its like a ghost that haunts me and follows me around. I went to the DR cause I thought something was mentally wrong with me and he just said I'm grieving and sent me home.


A friend of mine found a really sweet video on YouTube, not sure if anyone looks on there. Here's the link if anyone wants to look at it... I kind of made me feel better. I guess its because I see myself as a mother but I miss my babies really badly and no one seems to agree that I'm a mother. They all think that you have to have a child running around to be a mother. But I don't think so. Well here's the link anyways.

I did NOT make the video but its really sweet. Not sure who made it but anyways, thought I would post it anyways:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p3e8_XKoRo


Sorry I rant so much.

Cher08
Guest
0 post
7-Aug-2008
12:28 AM 		I heart goes out to you. You are being so strong coping with the people at your work. No one can really understand what you are going through, unless they themselves have experienced it. I had a miscarriage July 3rd. So many people are ignorant about our feelings that you want to go "postal" and vent all of the rage,jelousy, and questions of "WHY?!" When I told my mother-in-law I had just had a miscarriage her insensitive response was, "Well, Lorna is pregnant and she even had her tubes tied! Oh, and Jane is pregnant too." These are my step-sisters-in-law. Neither of them want anymore children. My other sister-in-law is mean to her two that she didn't even want. She became pregnant for the attention! I still cry, but mainly I am ANGRY! I have so much resentment for others who are pregnant that I avoid my family. The only one I speak to is a cousin who has had several miscarriages.
Sorry to rant. I really and truly feel for you. You have been dealt one sorry card. You are handling it with great dignity and I applaud you. May God bless you in your life. I will be praying for you.
Cher08
Guest
0 post
7-Aug-2008
12:40 AM 		You ARE a mother. My child that I miscarried on July 3rd is with God. I had a dream that my aunt, who passed away several years ago, is holding him. That gave me comfort. Those who do not recognize these children are ignorant. Plain and simple.

I am not a doctor, but my advice is to grieve as you need to. Your body needs to release this grief and will not be healthy if you hold it in. Beat the crap out of that pillow and scream as loud as you can into it! It made me feel a little better. Hugs to you sweetie.

SandDevil6

52 post s
10-Aug-2008
6:54 PM 		Hi Cher08,
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss and how insensitive your mother-in-law was about it.
I agree with you , the poeple that don't acknowledge the children that are lost are ignorant.
Sadly there is no one here really that I can talk to about anything other than my boyfriend; I'm new to this town and only have the friends I have are to far away to see. Where i work the "adults" are more like "teenagers" who need to get lives and stop spreading rumors and acting like they are in high school, so I can't be bothered to talk to any of them. Sounds mean and like I'm a b*tch or something but really I'm not kidding. All they do is gosip and bicker like high school kids.

I think I'm a mother :) I think any woman that's had a baby or lost a baby/child is a mother. I guess its just confusing because so many ppl are irogant to the subject or don't understand.

Thinkin about my children up there in heaven makes me feel better. Not alot better but a little bit better.

**hugs to all**

admn131313

1 post
13-Aug-2008
6:13 PM 		Hi Sand,

I know exactly how you are feeling! I had a miscarriage in December and another in May and it has been so difficult for me. I think the 2nd one was even worse than the first. I had to have a D&C procedure for both and when I woke up from the anesthesia after the 2nd D&C I woke up crying and so emotional. This has been a really hard road for me. I don't feel like I really have any support at all. My husband has been great through all of this, but he is really not the type to talk about his feelings. He's been great in the sense that he makes me smile through it all and I know that he is always here for me. But as far as talking to someone about the whole situation I feel like there is no one. I feel horrible, but I almost have developed a hatred for my sister in law because she has an adorable little 2 year old boy. I see how she raises him and think of all the things that she is doing wrong and how I would do it better. I hate her for not saying anything sympathetic after I experienced my miscarriages... she only makes remarks that I feel are so insensitive such as telling me that my husband and I can just skip the whole newborn thing and take her kid. I thought that was a terrible thing to say... Also, everyone at work seems to come out of the woodwork with their miscarriage stories. And they say it was gods way of telling me the time isn't right. Of course I believe in god, but it's a little hard for me to look to God right now. I am so angry that this has happened to me and my husband. We are still young but we have been together since high school and I am so in love with him and all I want now is a baby to complete our family. Again, I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I thought this might be a great way to get my feelings out and try to start feeling better about the situation. My doctor said we can start trying to conceive again in December, but I went ahead and made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he can run some tests to just make sure that there is nothing wrong with me before we get pregnant and go through another miscarriage.. that would be a nightmare! Has any ever been to a Reproductive Endocrinologist? Sorry for the long post! I had alot to get off my chest! LOL

SandDevil6

54 post s
13-Aug-2008
7:12 PM 		Hi admn131313,
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss's.

Probably sounds weird but if you want to talk, I have MSN / email..Feel free to email me or add me to msn if you want to chat. I'm usually online at night but I check my email alot.